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21 March 2010 @ 10:49 pm
3/30 A little cleaning of the soul..  
Today, somehow I woke up with a mildly scratchy throat and no nausea. (!!!) It's especially surprising considering the horrible winds that we had in Tokyo last night. I had myself completely convinced that a tornado was forming right outside of my apartment and was going to blow the whole neighborhood down. So I didn't get much sleep, yet I woke up 'well'. I tested myself today by eating a cheeseburger and ice cream (how unhealthy can you get?), and no nausea! Yay! A bit of a headache off and on, plus this or that here and there, but it seems that within a day or so I will be able to consider my body healed. Now to just work on my mind..

The picture on the right is again, kind of old. It was for Asahi Weekly, taken at the Tokyo Museum of Natural History in Ueno park. I will post a picture-type post about that sometime in the future. It is such a cool place!

Well, today I watched a movie called "The Blind Side." It was surprisingly sweet.. I really, really love tearjerker movies of the heartwarming variety. I don't know why, but for some reason I have a really soft side for them. Maybe it's the romanticism in my heart.

You guys.. thank you so much for all of your stories yesterday. I read all of them, though I didn't always comment... but I might later. It was really interesting to hear them. And since I promised, here is my story of online harrassment:

I kind of want to write a bit of a disclaimer before I start. It's been a long time, and I'm over it all. But this is something that really, really affected me at the time, as much as I tried to not let it. There is a huge backstory and I can only tell my side. It's really biased to me, but to be honest, still to this day I don't know why they felt this way about me.

This is going to sound pretty pathetic, but I had a best friend, whom I will call BestBud in this story. When she moved away to Phoenix to study computers after high school and told me that there was an Art Institute next to her school (I had thought about going to the one in Seattle for a while), well I packed up and moved to my Mother's (so that I could save up money). I started chatting with one of her friends from Phx online, and we started dating. And then a few months later, I moved to Phoenix. Years passed, and I made some of the best friends of my life there in Phoenix. But somewhere along the line, BestBud started hating me. I still don't know why, but I do remember how I found out.

One of my roommates, whom will be EvilRoomie in this story, whom I used to be friends with at one time, had also started hating me. (I'm not sure if this is the reason, but I think it was because of a boy. Not a boy that I liked, but a boy nonetheless)

But I had no idea that all of this hate was going on. Things were tense and we fought from time to time, but I lived with one of them and saw the other almost every day. Of course we would argue. But one day a friend contacted me and said, "hey Jamie, um, have you seen this?"

She meant the livejournal community, "hinoai_rant". The creator was BestBud, with EvilRoomie and a local friend of BestBud as the other sole members. The entire community was just post after post about me, and how horrible of a person I was. Pages and pages of rant after rant, just completely bitching me out. Usually for things that weren't even my fault (for example, our apartment was pretty filthy. But with 4 guys and 2 girls living together, it was inevitable.

You can imagine how hurt I felt. The person that I moved across the country to stay close to, and spent a lot of my time with, actually hated me. There was some really bad stuff written in there.

At the time, I didn't know what else to do, so I posted in my lj about it. I hate hate hate internet drama, even though I've caused some of it over the years, but I didn't really want to post in the comm or anything. I mean, what could I say?

I did get a bit of revenge when a friend (you know who you are, I love you), completely unasked, reported the comm to the Grammar Nazis, and they tore it apart. (My roommate had atrocious grammar but that is another story) Lj mods deleted the comm later the same day for violations of TOS.. but yeah, that is kind of short, but that's the story. It doesn't seem as emotional, writing about it now, but I did lose one of my closest friends ever over it.

I confronted BestBud about it, and I actually don't remember what happened. I shouldn't have forgiven her, but I did hang out with her a little bit after that.. up until I had just broken up with my boyfriend.

I went to her house and she told me to play on the computer while she napped (or was it a shower?) It was there that I found files on her desktop with my name on it. I probably shouldn't have opened them, but they had my name on them and she had told me to use her computer while I waited.

Well, they were text message files between her and my boyfriend (from before we had broken up). Talking about an "encounter" they had had.

I asked her about it when she came out and her reply was, "I didn't care whether I lost you as a friend, as long as I got to do that." ('that" being give him a blow job..) And well, that was definitely the end of our friendship.

Years later, I somehow happened upon her twitter and facebook. Not sure why I added them, but I really shouldn't have. She ignored my request anyways. But I mean, what is wrong with me? I guess I have a hard time giving up.

So... it's an abridged version, but to say that I was hurt would be a bit of an understatement.. I don't really know what else to say.

What should I write about tomorrow? I'm fairly sure that I'm not going to go anywhere exciting because I want to recover more..
Stella: Stressapathymoon on March 21st, 2010 02:22 pm (UTC)
Gee.. that was horrible, and I knew how you felt, Jamie-san. Leave those persons' fate to God; I believe that He's the one who can determine what will happen to them. They don't deserve your friendship. Remember this: some people may hate you, but there are also people who LOVE you, like me and the rest of your LJ pals ^_^ *HUGS*
john_alex on March 21st, 2010 03:27 pm (UTC)
Bleh, I know where you’re coming from with trying to be mates again. We all just miss what we’re without. I mean, I miss the good times I had with my ex, even though there were tonnes of bad ones…
And, to be honest, I really don’t see how anyone can cheat. It should be basic moral code, really… drama ftl. xP
Chloegracefulstars on March 21st, 2010 04:05 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, that's terrible!!!!! It's really amazing and disheartening to see how friends can turn against each other so easily.. I've definitely seen my fair share of it. I know it's not the same, but there was a girl who was my BEST FRIEND during all 4 years of my undergrad, and spring semester of our senior year she started acting really bizarre towards me and one of our other friends. She eventually met up with us in March and told us she didn't want to be friends with us anymore, but wouldn't give us a reason why. She just wanted to "put it all in the past and move on" - we were like "put WHAT in the past!?!?!" but no matter what we did she wouldn't tell us what we "did wrong".

It was extremely frustrating and I felt like I had wasted 4 years being friends with this girl because I lost the chance to make other friendships since we were so close and hung out all the time.

Girl drama sucks.. :(
Queza De Santidsanti_queza on March 21st, 2010 04:12 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I'm not sure what to say. Like I mentioned in your last post, I don't think I've really ever experienced "internet drama" or harassment. BUT, the thing about your BestBud...

Well, it's definitely a harsher version than any I've ever experienced. I do know the feeling though of trying to get back a friendship that's fallen to pieces. And, no matter how hard you try or want to fix it up, it'll never really be the same as it used to.

Still, every experience in life - good and bad - is a lesson. We may not like everything that happens to us, but somehow, everything works out for the better in the end. At least, I believe that. :)

So, just hang in there and stay optimistic. apathymoon said the right thing: "Some people may hate you, but there are also people who LOVE you." ;)

Take care! <3
Erisabetsuerisabetsu on March 21st, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC)
I think you did great or as we say ..you were a perfect Lady. Althought she was so mean and unfaithfull to you, you were true to your feelings and you didn't hurt her back.

Obviously you made moves to communicate with your friend...but as we can c your friend was never such a nice person as you are.

I think you did great and if you want to forgive her, do it, but don't forget what she did. (I don't think she is worty of a such a good friend like you are)
sleep_deprivedyurasama_love on March 21st, 2010 04:46 pm (UTC)
Wow, that's awful. That's really awful.
I've never been harassed on the internet, but I'm sure people have bitched me out to other people (I can name at least one person).
But that's ridiculously two-faced of her to pretend to make up and back stab you with your ex like that. Absolutely two-faced.
But I don't think you should have tried to add her. Leave burned bridges burned and don't collect their ashes.
As for what to write about tomorrow... write something ridiculous and fanciful. Just fun like that.
athenazandrite on March 21st, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC)
Ugh I remember that. I still have some of it saved. Unfortunately I only got one post of the grammar nazi-ing saved. I didn't get a chance to save the extra stuff before it got removed. Because the complete strangers tearing the posts apart were hilarious. Shallow victories are shallow but make us feel better.
亜莉尊: Purikuraserria on March 21st, 2010 04:52 pm (UTC)
Wow, that's... just all kinds of immature. :-/ I mean, these girls really needed to make a Livejournal community just to rant about you? Even if you were the biggest bitch in the world (which you're probably the exact opposite of ^-^) that shows like they had way too much time on their hands and the spirits of twelve year olds. Honestly, that reflects poorly on them, not you.

Not that I can't understand how incredibly hurtful that would've been. But at the same time, they're the babbling drama queen stuck in Jr. High, and you're the one who's leading an incredible life across the globe in Tokyo. You have to take this stuff in perspective - their behavior isn't much different than being called "stupid" by a toddler mad because you didn't give him a cookie. If you're the more mature one, then we can all laugh at them.

I'm not saying that people can't change... but you have to stand up for yourself and never let these kind of people take advantage of you. If they've changed, let them be the ones to let you know. I'd advise against seeking them out... that's my advice, anyway!
Chloegracefulstars on March 21st, 2010 05:05 pm (UTC)
geez I just saw your link about the wind - what's up with the sentence at the end about yellow sand?
Reiquentin_watson on March 21st, 2010 05:10 pm (UTC)
On a positive note I am really enjoying your daily posts along with the photos. Would you mind posting some of things you see everyday in Japan? Like the exterior of your apartment, or maybe things you see on your way to work?
☆チャーリーちゃん☆: Japanglish-..waitcharlie_chan on March 21st, 2010 05:41 pm (UTC)
oh wow.. I feel bad for neglecting LJ so much.. (stupid facebook!)
but I'm so sorry to read that a friend would do that sort of vindictive and evil of a thing to such a kind person as yourself. All that they did is absolutely unforgivable and just cruel in so many ways.. :( I'm sorry that such a thing has been continuously happening to you for so long with those people.

but if it helps any, I still think you are the sweetest most positive and wonderful woman I've ever had the pleasure to know and I really hope you get some good mojo comin' your way soon to make things better *hugs*
☆ちびちゃん☆: Gintama Quotechibisilent16 on March 21st, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
... Sometimes, I don't understand how people can be so heartless as to do something like that to people who don't deserve it.

I understand how you feel about not wanting to give up on people that you care about, even when they have treated you in a way that no one deserves to be treated. Even though they have shattered your trust, there's that certain something that still drives you to have even a strand on connection with them. Whether it be for good or bad reasons, it's not entirely clear, but for some reason you still decide to do it. At least, that's the feeling I've been struggling with for months. And I don't really know what to do with myself concerning it, especially when my subconscious decides on making me think about these things in my dreams. :/

But the bottom line for you is, that person really doesn't deserve your compassion. She clearly told you what she thinks about you. People like her have their own group of people to associate themselves with; however, I think you shouldn't have to suffer with her idiocy. Besides, look at how far you've come pursuing your dreams! I hope that your path continues in your favor, and you will achieve that beautiful goal you have in mind. It's people like you that make me believe that I can make my own dream (eventually) come true. ^^
arthurfrdent: kermitararthurfrdent on March 21st, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC)
tomorrow? how about writing about Clouds... to cleanse the palette so to speak.

It's difficult to confront the idea that other people can see you in an unflattering way, especially when they are close to you. Tear you apart it can. As bad as it was back then, it sounds like you learned and moved on. Maybe you figured out a trigger, maybe not. Sometimes the smallest thing can split you and a friend, often it is the green monster, jealousy...
You seem to have a good idea of who you are now, and that is to the good. Even the painful is a learning experience.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm glad you are feeling better.
liandis on March 21st, 2010 07:48 pm (UTC)
That is pretty atrocious. That apartment never seemed THAT messy to warrant making a deal over it. With that many people living there, it needs to show that people live there.. it would have been creepy if it was spotless.
Chiakichiaki777 on March 21st, 2010 08:07 pm (UTC)
Well, when you are close to people, it's hard to separate from them the initial impression you have of them, even if you know better. First impressions are very important, and when you think of BestBud as your (well I don't know how else to put it) best bud, you want to believe in her.

Just the same, if you were to meet someone that bullied you and tormented you back in elementary school, you would be defensive over them - even if they were to have gone to a nunnery and become a living saint.

So perhaps, despite all that she has done, you still want to think that the friendship you used to have was her true side.

This happens to all of us I think, and it's hard to accept a new impression of someone, no matter how sound you think of yourself.

Well, just let her go, I guess. Cherish the good, and that's about all you can do here.
Jor L.jordinothepizza on March 21st, 2010 08:27 pm (UTC)
What you went through really sucks. :/ It's had a negative affect on you, but I'm sure you're stronger now for going through it.

I think that tomorrow you should write about something good and/or funny. Maybe about when you first moved to Japan.
Mimix_mimioreo on March 21st, 2010 10:55 pm (UTC)
Oh dear. I can't say I understand how you felt and feel, but I can say that I'm sure it hurts, but I'm glad you're still up and running even after that. I'm surprised they went through all that, I mean, creating a comm for the sake of hating someone, that's just lame.

Remember, people who hate you, are jealous (:

Naveed: Izaya | Sighhitokiri_naveed on March 22nd, 2010 12:17 am (UTC)
Wow, that was all the way back in 2004, I found the entry where I posted about it LOL. It's f-locked now but it was wide open at the time and I had both the ex-bff who I never liked btw... >_> and bad grammar/spelling roommate on my f-list at the time. XDD
超ちゃ人: cat (猫)  -> plushie rabuchochajin on March 22nd, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
Wow, that was really horrible :/
Good thing it's over now and is not really emotional anymore and you can write about it so openly now *hugs*

I don't know what I would have done, but I probably would have never ever talked to her agan and not even tried to make up at all.
Eajoa on March 22nd, 2010 01:15 am (UTC)
That's horrible! That someone can be that low! And to you? You're the sweetest thing ever! ♥
Ai-chansanzo_ai on March 22nd, 2010 02:09 am (UTC)
Dang you had it rough
Then again I think I could relate in some way. Back in middle school I had several friends one of which is my best friend to this day. Well a I had this friend who will be named four-eyes, another will be drama queen.It's two different stories too by the way. I had a friend we met through my Best friend and as we went into our 7th grade year she was changing and it wasn't pretty either she got angry and I mean ANGRY at me for no apparent reason at the time. She ignored me and threatened me and a couple of my other great friends and when she did that in gym class one day I kicked her down a couple of bleachers and boy was it fun to watch cause she manage to bring her flunky down with her. I know I was wrong but hey pay backs a b****. Also she told on me and you'll never guess what happened...I got away with it. Then after class her flunky and her decided to push me down a couple of stairs I got a couple of scratches but I just grinned at them and laughed thinking 'how pathetic like that is suppose to scare me!?!' Then in our next class which was chorus she got in my face and I shoved her in to the boys area Bass and Tenors. Everyone laughed at her cause when she feel nobody went to catch her and she ended up knocking a couple of chairs over as she fell on her butt. I got in trouble, but I didn't care. Later I found out that the only reason she was harassing me was cause I hung out with guys that she liked. How lame.
The story I'm going to tell you next killed me and my best friend.
It happened to be our 8th grade class filed trip and I was so excited cause the guy I had huge crush on was there and I was going to confess to him when we were there, but that back fired big time. Drama Queen at the time was a good friend and I told her my plans as well as my best friend well we came back to the hotel after we all went to the beach earlier that day we were all granted to go swimming in the pool and me with a two piece was okay that is until I need help tying the thing. My best friend offered while drama queen left. I never did get to confess to the guy cause drama queen was all over him. When we got back to school a couple of weeks went by and then a nasty rumor was spread throughout the entire school it was about how me and my best friend slept with each other on the trip and that we were gay. Me being 13 I didn't really understand until my dad told me cause me best friend's mom called. Dad wanted to help and my sister who went to the same school as I did told me that it was really bad cause she's the one who told me that everyone else besides the 8th graders. That pissed me off to the point that when we had to go to the principles office I found out who spread the rumors and it turned out to be the guy I had a crush on and Drama Queen. Once we were in there I turned blood red at least I think my best friend told me that I turned that way and she was also a little afraid of me I threatened them that if they came anywhere near me or do anymore damage to me I'd kick their butts. Then the principle told them to try and fix this mess. It didn't really work, but I didn't really care cause the people that I talked to which where a lot knew the truth and they stayed by my side til the end especially my best friend and then I moved to south Ga.(Everything in this story happened in North Ga.)
calliopem_eratocalliopem_erato on March 22nd, 2010 02:59 am (UTC)
That's mean. I can however understand why you still try to contact that person although in this case it's not worth the trouble.

People may change but that's also their choice if they want to.

Look at it this way, you came out a stronger person.
Franki: Garnet prettyfrankiki on March 22nd, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)
Hello new commented on my friend's page. Your life seems so exciting, and I hope to become friends.
It would be awesome to hang out at some point too.
Also that sucks about your friend too, it's hard to get over things like that something similar happen to me so I can empathize with your situation.

P.S I've had a scratchy throat too, maybe it's something to do with the atmosphere.
mei_sanmei_san on March 22nd, 2010 05:09 am (UTC)
oh man, internet drama sucks. I hate it when it comes to RL as well.....I had the illusion that one can keep the two lives separate, but online life and RL can be too closely linked at times.

And I really admire you that you're so forgiving and never gives up!
Lisa, Kittypinkpaladin on March 22nd, 2010 07:02 am (UTC)
It's shocking to me how cruel people can be...I simply do not comprehend it. I may not know you super well because I can only browse your entries as time allows, but every one of your entries is so sweet and positive. Whoever dislikes you has something wrong with them. O_o

In a sad kind of way it is reassuring to see that others know how painful losing your best friend is. My best friend and practical sister of 9 years started hanging out with some other gals online. We used to live near each other, but we move away and we kept up with each other via LJ mostly. I admittedly was jealous of her new friends, as I was her only friend for ages, but in the same regard I was relieved for her sake. So I just posted on her LJ just the same as I had in the past. After a while she started cutting me off from entries, and I confronted her, asking "What did I do wrong?" All I got was, "You didn't do anything wrong, but I've gotten frustrated with long-distance relationships, we've faded apart, and I need to sort myself out first." Then she told me that maybe she'd like to reestablish contact after two years. Well, I gave it one year and I invited her to my wedding to be my maid of honor...and I never heard. I emailed her several times and never heard. I imagine the original response she gave me was intended to let me down gently, but it gave me hope instead. It hurt when I realized she didn't value my friendship anymore. To this day I have the hardest time trusting people, because she promised me that she's always want to be my friend, even though she broke it off with a different mutual friend of ours. Those words became an empty promise...I was willing to do everything to make the friendship work, but she'd given up.

It's been over three years now, but it still affects me considerably. As much as I will myself to just forget the whole thing, she pervades my dreams. *sigh* So to know others understand my pain....it's a least reassuring that the possibility exists that I can be friends with someone who will treasure friendships more deeply as you guys have.
(Anonymous) on March 22nd, 2010 09:14 am (UTC)
Changing the topic slightly what happened to your pet snake?
Raynermundist on March 23rd, 2010 01:14 am (UTC)
You're someone who doesn't give up on the "good" in people easy. That's not a bad thing, but it can line you up to be hurt. It's what I'm dealing with now myself. Knowing that if someone wants back into my life, no matter what good I wish for them or what I feel for them I can't do it. It's too risky. I don't like giving up on friends (as you don't) but sometimes people just keep hurting you.

So, don't feel bad about caring. It's one of the things that makes you, you.
孤児koji on March 24th, 2010 01:49 pm (UTC)
We all go through bad experiences~ and I'm sorry to hear about yours. I'm glad you came out of it alright and I think you're a very strong person now! I can understand wanting to forgive them. After all, even if someone does horrible things to you, that doesn't erase the good times. But remember, that works vis versa too.

My best friend from Jr. High and I were roomies in college, but had been fighting for a year or two before that point. I was hoping we could fix our relationship by living together, and perhaps she thought the same, but it was not good timing in either of our lives. I found out she was telling lies about me to other friends and her family, so that they started to hate me, and that really hurt; so I can kind of understand how you must have felt.

I am very lucky that after years of healing, we're able to talk again now. If I move back to America there's a chance we can be good friends again, and I'm very grateful for that. Fighting is so ugly, I don't understand why friends turn on one another sometimes.