Log in

No account? Create an account
13 January 2009 @ 12:58 am
Back into the studio~~  
I'll be in the studio from tomorrow today until the 23rd. ^^ So nobody will be hearing from me online! Don't get worried! (this means you, Mom!) It's just a month and a half until Shin Tenipuri chapter 1 comes out! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!! Are you?!!!

Introducing Sa-ko and Maigo (on the right)! Well, not really introducing, since they've shown up here before. But then, they're not even from the same series (of mine). They're both a part of projects that I'm preparing for various purposes, though. ^.^; It's just a picture that I doodled on a spare postcard whie I was working on my Christmas (yeah, I know.. ^^;) postcards yesterday. Some of them are done, and hopefully I will have a chance to work on the rest in the studio so that I can mail them when I get back! (late holiday cards are LATE) (^o^)/

I am not going to name the persons in this video because one of them is my dear friend to this day and would kill me (I love you! ^.^). But it's from my college days in Arizona, and when I saw it on my hard drive, it brought a smile to my face. I hope that it does for you too, especially those of you that know this person! (you can hear my voice too in the background, do you recognize it? XD;;)

PS: Did I ever mention that I love you? ^o^/ I'm waiting for you to get your butt over here soon!!! *hugs tightly*

Well, that was good for a pick-me-up!! (At least for me!)

I have been (trying to) get back in touch with dear friends and family lately... Something about that makes me feel really good. I've been terrible about keeping in contact, which makes me a horrible friend/daughter/sister/cousin/etc, but I want to focus more and more on keeping those contacts that are important to me intact. ♥♥♥

This is me:
Take the free personality test!

It's interesting how much that is me. At least part of me..

It's interesting as well though, that over and over again, I suffer from (in this case mild) depression. I'm by nature a sensitive person, but you see, something happened recently. Somethings, I guess is more accurate. I don't know if the people involved (separate incidences) really know that I felt that way, but I was hurt. Again. How many times have I gotten hurt by people that I love? I've lost count. It's true, it happens to everyone, and no more to me than anyone else. At least, I don't think so..

And then around the same period of time I was talking to a friend who told me that she thought that I was very private and wouldn't let anyone get close to me. Up until then, I'd always considered myself someone who was really open, really trusting. Who loved and shared love freely... and then I thought about it again.

And I realized that she was right. I can't pin it down, exactly when I stopped trusting people outright. When I stopped letting people in. But the last time I can remember feeling honestly close, the last person that I let see deep into me. Is the person in that video up there. She is maybe the last person on this planet to get to know the real me.

Then something else seemed a lot clearer all of a sudden... People who told me that I'd changed since college. Well, of course I've changed because I believe that if you don't change, then you don't grow, and if you don't grow, then you aren't really living (a quote from Gail Sheehy, actually..). But it made me realize that I have changed in one way that I never wanted to change. When did I become unable to share myself completely with someone else?

There's no time that I can specifically point to. But I do think that the final push was someone that I had been best friends with since high school. Who really, really hurt me. Between then and now, somewhere I guess that I subconsciously decided that I didn't want to be hurt anymore. And if I don't share myself that deeply with anyone, then I can't be as hurt by them. That is probably why, in these days, I can still go on while I am being hurt yet again by a friend, and I don't feel the same soul-deep pain that I used to feel. So, I've protected myself, right? It's not that I don't care about my friends now. I do, I really do. All of my friendships are honest and I care for my friends truly. But I lack depth. Me, not them.

So, it doesn't hurt asbadly as it used to. I've protected myself. But after talking with another close friend about a recent date, I realized that without the capacity to put so much of myself into a relationship (be it friendship or romantic), then I can't love in the same way that I used to. So by not accepting the possibility that I'll get hurt again, that I will feel my life shattered apart, I'm losing so much more than I've gained.

I wish that I could change back. I want to change back. It's not as easy as making a decision, though. I guess like Ryoma, I've got a lot of pride. Much, much more than I ever thought that I had. I don't even know where to start. Or what to do. Hopefully, somehow, somewhere, I will find my way.

So that's been on my mind like the plague for weeks. I started taking St. John's Wort (an herbal supplement), and it works wonders for my mood. I feel positive and like myself. Though I'm still missing that which I've locked away, of course. I would ask for help, if I knew what to ask for..

For now, sleep... At least I have my career and I'm very happy of that. And my cat. And friends whom I do love (even if the love is stunted on my end). But the road to self-improvement has got to start with one step. I just wish that I knew where that road began.


See you all in a few weeks!! *loves to everyone*
Current Music: The Killers - Somebody Told Me
Kathy: rainbow umbrellakisa829 on January 12th, 2009 04:16 pm (UTC)
Sa-ko and Maigo are super adorable! And have fun working and I'll miss you!

I'm happy that you've learned something new about yourself even if it isn't something that you like. If you never found out then there's no way you would be able to consciously understand yourself better and improve yourself.

If you truly want to change, I know you can because you've made other amazing things happen for yourself and have become so much happier! This is probably just another one of those obstacles leading to the goal and I have no doubt you'll beat it!

And remember that although you feel like your love is stunted when it comes to your friends, they still all probably love you even if you tell them that this is how you're feeling! You seem like you care a lot about your friends so even though you may not let them in, you're still showing you care!

I hope you're able to figure out how to start changing and that you find the right path. I know you'll reach the goal in the end, either way.

Francesca {フランチェスカ}: Chii *WOWfantasy2004 on January 12th, 2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
Have fun at work, I can't wait for the first chapter. XDD I'm very gald that Tenipuri is comming back. XD

Your characters are so adorable. >3
Aiaiwritingfic on January 12th, 2009 05:13 pm (UTC)
You aren't by any chance an ENFP, are you?
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on January 13th, 2009 12:09 am (UTC)
I am! ^o^ How did you know?
Aiaiwritingfic on January 13th, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
XD You sound exactly like me, down to the smokescreen public face. I'm ENFP, too.
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on January 13th, 2009 12:22 am (UTC)
Awesome! ^_^ I'm glad that our main description is that we're happy people, at least! The world needs more happy people!
Sana-chan: Tokidoki Fishsana_chan on January 12th, 2009 06:05 pm (UTC)
Hope you have a good work week!!

I feel very similar to you in the sense that I too have a hard time opening up my true self and feelings.
Naveed: dean eye of the tigerhitokiri_naveed on January 12th, 2009 06:31 pm (UTC)
*Snort* Oh gawd. XD That video. I love the Gon butt dance. XDDDD
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on January 13th, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
Hehee, good times those were =D
athenazandrite on January 12th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC)
It's the Gon butt shake!!

XD She'll either crack up at this or be all... omg you put my ass online! XD
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on January 13th, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)
I hope she does both! =D;;;
midnightcity01: atobe tenticlesmidnightcity01 on January 12th, 2009 07:20 pm (UTC)
I think your drawings are cute ^^ I hope you have fun in the studio. Can't wait for the first chappie to come out!
bidiabidia on January 12th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
i have seen your sketches and I think that they are very beautiful!!one month and will see the novo pot!!
animeshon on January 12th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
Have an awesome time working! And Sako & Maigo are gorgeous, as always I'm so envious of your talent :D

I hope you manage to figure out how you want to change and make the change. I noticed last year I was becoming very closed and suspicious and pessimistic. This year I am trying to return to the upbeat, optimistic person who always tries to believe the best of people :D
Emily: be different!ludicmelody on January 12th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
Lol, have fun working~♥ But don't get too stressed out. :3

I seriously CANNOT wait for Shin Tenipuri. A month and a half is too longggg.
ore-samathesundaywriter on January 13th, 2009 12:40 am (UTC)
Have I mentioned that you have a nice simple but cute drawing style ^^

*watches video* Erm, Boobies XD

One of my friends has been mentioning St. John's Wort to me. She said it has helped her too.
Shirleyelsevita on January 13th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
Yay! Shin Tenipuri!!! *grins excitedly to self*

Love your drawings. You are very talented!

mei_sanmei_san on January 13th, 2009 07:43 am (UTC)
I am no art student. Do you actually live in the studio?? I think being more emotionally distant is part of growing up. But yes, I admit, sometimes I wish I was young again.
8bitpixelrobot on January 13th, 2009 11:22 am (UTC)
work hard and eat healthy!, k???
Frey: Hirokitsuki_fru on January 15th, 2009 02:12 am (UTC)
*sends some uber huggles your way!*
Destiny ♪yuidirnt on January 16th, 2009 11:09 am (UTC)
Just letting you know that the postcard arrived yesterday!
TeniMyu pretty boys <333
Thank you very much!
ルリdemonruri on January 17th, 2009 08:15 am (UTC)
What is St. John's Wort it just sounds so old...like no one young would never take it.

off topic: i sent you an email im curious if you had recieved it, i sent to hotmail i believe. x3
(Anonymous) on January 19th, 2009 10:01 am (UTC)
Losing Contact
I think that losing contact is the nature of being abroad. Staying in touch is a lot of work!