I'll be in the studio from tomorrow today until the 23rd. ^^ So nobody will be hearing from me online! Don't get worried! (this means you, Mom!) It's just a month and a half until Shin Tenipuri chapter 1 comes out! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!! Are you?!!!

Introducing Sa-ko and Maigo (on the right)! Well, not really introducing, since they've shown up here before. But then, they're not even from the same series (of mine). They're both a part of projects that I'm preparing for various purposes, though. ^.^; It's just a picture that I doodled on a spare postcard whie I was working on my Christmas (yeah, I know.. ^^;) postcards yesterday. Some of them are done, and hopefully I will have a chance to work on the rest in the studio so that I can mail them when I get back! (late holiday cards are LATE) (^o^)/


I am not going to name the persons in this video because one of them is my dear friend to this day and would kill me (I love you! ^.^). But it's from my college days in Arizona, and when I saw it on my hard drive, it brought a smile to my face. I hope that it does for you too, especially those of you that know this person! (you can hear my voice too in the background, do you recognize it? XD;;)


PS: Did I ever mention that I love you? ^o^/ I'm waiting for you to get your butt over here soon!!! *hugs tightly*


Well, that was good for a pick-me-up!! (At least for me!)

I have been (trying to) get back in touch with dear friends and family lately... Something about that makes me feel really good. I've been terrible about keeping in contact, which makes me a horrible friend/daughter/sister/cousin/etc, but I want to focus more and more on keeping those contacts that are important to me intact. ♥♥♥


This is me:


It's interesting how much that is me. At least part of me..

It's interesting as well though, that over and over again, I suffer from (in this case mild) depression. I'm by nature a sensitive person, but you see, something happened recently. Somethings, I guess is more accurate. I don't know if the people involved (separate incidences) really know that I felt that way, but I was hurt. Again. How many times have I gotten hurt by people that I love? I've lost count. It's true, it happens to everyone, and no more to me than anyone else. At least, I don't think so..

And then around the same period of time I was talking to a friend who told me that she thought that I was very private and wouldn't let anyone get close to me. Up until then, I'd always considered myself someone who was really open, really trusting. Who loved and shared love freely... and then I thought about it again.

And I realized that she was right. I can't pin it down, exactly when I stopped trusting people outright. When I stopped letting people in. But the last time I can remember feeling honestly close, the last person that I let see deep into me. Is the person in that video up there. She is maybe the last person on this planet to get to know the real me.

Then something else seemed a lot clearer all of a sudden... People who told me that I'd changed since college. Well, of course I've changed because I believe that if you don't change, then you don't grow, and if you don't grow, then you aren't really living (a quote from Gail Sheehy, actually..). But it made me realize that I have changed in one way that I never wanted to change. When did I become unable to share myself completely with someone else?

There's no time that I can specifically point to. But I do think that the final push was someone that I had been best friends with since high school. Who really, really hurt me. Between then and now, somewhere I guess that I subconsciously decided that I didn't want to be hurt anymore. And if I don't share myself that deeply with anyone, then I can't be as hurt by them. That is probably why, in these days, I can still go on while I am being hurt yet again by a friend, and I don't feel the same soul-deep pain that I used to feel. So, I've protected myself, right? It's not that I don't care about my friends now. I do, I really do. All of my friendships are honest and I care for my friends truly. But I lack depth. Me, not them.

So, it doesn't hurt asbadly as it used to. I've protected myself. But after talking with another close friend about a recent date, I realized that without the capacity to put so much of myself into a relationship (be it friendship or romantic), then I can't love in the same way that I used to. So by not accepting the possibility that I'll get hurt again, that I will feel my life shattered apart, I'm losing so much more than I've gained.

I wish that I could change back. I want to change back. It's not as easy as making a decision, though. I guess like Ryoma, I've got a lot of pride. Much, much more than I ever thought that I had. I don't even know where to start. Or what to do. Hopefully, somehow, somewhere, I will find my way.

So that's been on my mind like the plague for weeks. I started taking St. John's Wort (an herbal supplement), and it works wonders for my mood. I feel positive and like myself. Though I'm still missing that which I've locked away, of course. I would ask for help, if I knew what to ask for..

For now, sleep... At least I have my career and I'm very happy of that. And my cat. And friends whom I do love (even if the love is stunted on my end). But the road to self-improvement has got to start with one step. I just wish that I knew where that road began.

~Jamie

See you all in a few weeks!! *loves to everyone*