Hi-chan (火ちゃん) (hinoai) wrote,
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)

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life, or something like it..

I feel a little... like I might throw up. I feel sick at the world, and sick at myself.. and sick in general. Like if I try to stand for too long, I'll just fall over and not be able to stand back up. It's not a physical sickness, like I contracted a bug or something but more like heartsickness or soulsickness.

And my stomach hurts on top of that.

I don't like to complain.. I know, I do it all the time, but sometimes I have to. This is my journal and that's what it's for.

Well, Bear has been sick for a long time. I finally got him to the vet today.. had to drive all the way up into scottsdale to find someone that would take him. I curse my monelessness, and for not taking him sooner. But it might not have made a difference anyways. He was at death's door when I brought him in, and I knew it. It nearly made me cry for him right then and there, but I had to be strong for my kitty. He's my baby, and no matter how many times I thought he was annoying or pushed him away, there were more where I just sat there and petted him, loving him. I loved his comfort, and his presence, and the way that he would just worm his way into my heart. Bear is a great, wonderful, sweet, loving cat. I didn't lose him in the traditional sense, he is still alive last that I know. But it turns out that he most likely has a heart disease that strikes cats about his age (4-5 years). This was causing breathing and urination problems. Stupid me, I didn't notice the breathing problems.. But the way it is, that he needed several operations, oxygen therapy, and everything. They were wonderful at the vetrinary clinic and got him stabilized before even telling me my price estimate. But I can't afford the almost $500 that is costs to make him better... I got to pet him, and saw the little changes that the oxygen and other things were making in him.. but I still can't afford it, I only have about $20, and it would be payment in full today. I asked them about options, nearly breaking down right then and there. It was let him die, pay for the surgery, or sign over ownership to the clinic. They said that if I do so, they would give him the surgery, and inform me of progress. Then in the end, when he's better (if he survives) they would find a loving home for him. How hard was that decision, I can't begin to describe. But I want him to live a happy life, even if it's not with me. It was probably the hardest thing that I've ever done, but I had to do it. I had to. I cried to hard, and the vetrinarian gave me a hug. They let me say goodbye to him, and promised that they would call me later today to tell me how he was doing. I hope that he's okay, I really do. He's my Bear, and I left him in good hands.

I really broke down in the car. Is it possible to feel this alone, when you know that you have loving people waiting for you.. I came home, and barely made it back without swerving into other cars several times. It's hard to drive through tears when your soul is crying out in pain. But I made it, and collapsed in on myself in my room for a little while. I needed to be alone, and I finished my book. The came out here to pour some feeling out in writing, and call Ron/Rachel to let them know wha'ts up. I won't go to anime club today, but I left that too in capable hands. Dinner, though. I might be able to use dinner. So I will probably go with them all. They're friends after all, and it's what friends are for, being with you when you need them the most.

There are other lighter things to write about, but I don't really want to right now. I'll just go and do something that doesn't strain my eyes quite so much..

ja ne.. I'll post some more when I know how he's doing...
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