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29 June 2006 @ 03:06 pm
Something from my heart..  
Everyone gets jealous sometimes.... I do, too...
I'm writing this because I was just watching the video for "A Little Pain", and even though I've seen it before, I realized for the first time that the singer is half japanese and half foreigner. I believe the same is true for Anna. Hirai Ken, Shirota Yuu, and a fair number of japanese personalities are this way also. Or maybe I shouldn't say fair...

Why am I jealous? Jealousy is so ugly, but.. these people are so lucky. They easily got so many of the things that I would trade anything for. ANYTHING. Being raised in Japan, they're fluent in japanese of course, which I would gladly trade my english for in a heartbeat. They are almost without exception beautiful, for some reason. They're given a lot of attention and if half children want to become any kind of celebrity in Japan, because of the way that Japan's media is, they're almost guaranteed to become one just because they look foreign and are fluent in japanese. Not to mention having japanese passports.

I don't want to become a singer or anything (goodness knows I don't have the talent).. but sometimes, the world just seems so unfair. These lucky people learned to speak japanese while growing up, which I didn't get the privelege of. That's something I would do anything for. But for me, it is a mountain of work while I learn, having to keep a job that I don't like in order to stay in this country. For these people, they're japanese citizens, so they wouldn't have to leave even if they didn't have to have a job. That isn't fair in the slightest. Some people argue that I'm lucky, and I am. But I would trade what I have in a heartbeat for the small things that these people were born with. If I ever decided to have children, then without a doubt I would give them everything that I want-- japanese language fluency, and a japanese passport (somehow). Because even if they don't want it, it's something so important to me that I can't even give it proper words.

I do wish that the world was fair and everybody had the same advantages. I wish it more than anything, but it just doesn't work that way, does it? You want American citizenship, so you think I'm lucky to have it. You have Japanese citizenship, so I think you're lucky to have it. We really should be able to choose, if the world was really fair. Because my heart is here, and here is where I want to stay. Instead, a mountain of work is ahead of me. One day, I hope that we achieve Utopia, because then, and only then, will the world be a fair place in which to live.

People always tell me that I'm lucky. But they don't realize that things like where I live, are things that I had to work very hard for. I went to college, I earned my bachelor's degree. I found a company that would give me a job here, even though I was not interested in the field of work in the slightest. So many people are jealous of me because of that, but... why me? I worked hard for it. Be jealous of the people that are given it without any work at all. The people whose parents move here and take them, or the people that are born here in this country instead. Be jealous of them because they can speak japanese as naturally as I speak english and they never had to work for it, and they never have to go through a day here where they can't get their point across to someone. They never have days where, because they can't speak the language well enough despite how much they've tried, that they can't get people to understand that they don't want mayonnaise on their fish because they don't know the special way to say it that's so inherent to every fluent person.

I want to better myself, for my own sake. Over time in Japan, I've decided on a course of action for my future that, if I work hard, can give me the result that I want. It's useless to be jealous over people who have what I want but never worked this hard for it, but it still happens. Of course, still I will always work hard. I will work beyond the point where I can't work anymore, and become in the end, the best person that I could ever be. Having fun along the way and making all kinds of friends, enjoying the journey despite the hard work, but in the end... my goal is to just realize as much of my full potential as I possibly ever can.

Ganbatteimasu--- that is me right now. I really do believe that any person can do anything. Some of us just have to work harder to make it happen, but we CAN make it happen. Ganbare, minna! Jealousy will be felt, but let it spur you to action, like I am. Let it make you think, but prove in the end that you are the best person you can possibly be, and you will be happier than people who don't work for it can ever be.
tenikime: Timeless battletenikime on June 29th, 2006 06:20 am (UTC)
I do feel the same way you do about this. I've thought about all of those things that you mentioned for a long time.
But as you said all we can do is work hard. This sounds crzy, but I do beleive everything has a meaning to it, some things just didn't "happen" And I'm sure that you'll soon gain what you want!
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on June 29th, 2006 06:27 am (UTC)
In a way, what I want is impossible (to have been born in Japan and have citizenship), but I will come as close as possible to it. I wonder, though, if I will always feel like an outsider, even when I get permanent residency. :/ When I become fluent in Japanese, I will start to try to fight to change some of the laws in Japan that I don't like, which should be my right, whether I am a citizen or not. But I think people won't see it that way.
(no subject) - crux_australis on June 29th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hinoai on June 29th, 2006 08:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - crux_australis on June 29th, 2006 09:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
Melissa D. Johnson: Glam-Starmippa on June 29th, 2006 06:29 am (UTC)
Your mindset is so admirable, and so rare to find! Don't forget you have lots of friends that will support you, and you will have wonderful stories to share in the future! The journey to your goal is half of the adventure, right?

(BTW--total shocker, I know--Hirai Ken is 100% pure. He isn't halvsies or anything.)
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on June 29th, 2006 06:37 am (UTC)
Through the journey, I hope to become a colorful, friendly, and emotionally satisfied person, who has not only had her life touched by many, but also touched the lives of many others. ^-^

Hirai Ken is maybe 100% pure foreigner. Unless he had surgery, there is no way that he's pure japanese. He even only barely looks japanese. (Actually I just had a long discussion about this the other day at karaoke, when his video came on)
(no subject) - mippa on June 29th, 2006 06:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hinoai on June 29th, 2006 06:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mippa on June 29th, 2006 06:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hinoai on June 29th, 2006 06:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mippa on June 29th, 2006 01:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mippa on June 29th, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - radicaldreamer on June 30th, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
chakuura on June 29th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC)
You have a great mindset! Any jealousy i feel, i try to use it to make myself work harder. I really hope you get what you're working so hard for. Good luck!

Somewhat off topic, i might be going to Japan on a student exchange trip next year. I'm trying to find some good books for learning Japanese, but i can't find any that people think are really good. Do you happen to know any?
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on June 29th, 2006 08:22 am (UTC)
I recommend this series of books. It's really straightforward, and out of all of the series that I tried, this was the best imo. ^^ Though it's also good if you find someone to practice with, and definitely pay attention to all of the little things! ^^

(no subject) - chakuura on June 29th, 2006 08:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
yalla, yalla! // .ali.crux_australis on June 29th, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
If I ever decided to have children, then without a doubt I would give them everything that I want-- japanese language fluency, and a japanese passport (somehow). Because even if they don't want it, it's something so important to me that I can't even give it proper words.

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think it's fair. I've grown up thinking, "Oh, I'll raise my (future) kids to do *blahblah* and *blahblah* because it's something I wish I was raised to do." But now that I'm older, I don't want my (future) kids to grow up feeling they're living my life...that they're fulfilling my dreams. ^^;

Anyway...yeah, you're lucky. Most of us don't even have the means or chance to go to Japan, and you're living the life that we want. Yeah, unwanted job and all. Actually, I'd love to have your job...it's got to do with teaching kids, right? Because if it doesn't, then ignore this. ^^V

Anyway, we all wish for something that we don't have. Just last night, my boyfriend was complaining because no matter how much he eats, he never grows fat. I, on the other hand, would kill to lose my flabs. >.< Ah...alas, we can't all have what we want, ne?

Ganbare, minna! Jealousy will be felt, but let it spur you to action

*nodnod* Hai. Ganbarimasu~! ^o^
Hi-chan (火ちゃん)hinoai on June 29th, 2006 08:34 am (UTC)
There's nothing unfair about giving my kids a japanese passport and language skills. I'm not choosing their path in life at all, just giving them the skills that I wish I had. I would never want them to live my life, because I want to live my own life. I would hope that they'd choose something completely different to do in life, as long as it's worth their talent and skills.

And never say that you don't have the means or chance to go to Japan, because it's not true. Of course you do! If you want my job, then go ahead and get it... as long as you are fluent in english, then you can do it. Get whatever it takes to get a passport, and find a job that will bring you over, or save up enough money to come over and get a job with another company. There are a ton of companies that are easy to get into over here, and it's easy to get a job. So of course you have the means!

I want to lose my flab too, but it just takes hard work. It's not easy, but it's something that we can all do.
(no subject) - crux_australis on June 29th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - babymoss on June 29th, 2006 02:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hinoai on June 29th, 2006 02:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - babymoss on June 29th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Nakanishi Ryonbrothersleep on June 29th, 2006 07:10 am (UTC)
This is exactly how the people I work with, and my parents feel.

I live in Israel and my students are immigrants from Russia. So are my parents. Lucky for me, I came here when I was 3, so I'm fluent in Hebrew and don't have the problems they do (which I believe are pretty much the problems you're having), but I know that there will come a day when I'm gonna have to go through the same thing, as staying here forever is out of the question and I believe Japan is my next destination.

... I guess what you're saying here was in the back of my mind like... forever. I see these people every day, and it kinda scares me to *know* that I'm gonna be in their position someday.

This is one of the reasons why I'm helping them, though I know that in Japan I won't had this kind of aid.

Somehow, though, I know I'm gonna make it, this way or another. Even though it's gonna be hard.

Sorry for talking too much, but this issue has been occupying my mind lately. o.o
Sheryl Nomepocket_girl on June 29th, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
well, i can understand you.
but not everyone half is beautiful.
and as children, they still have to keep both languages in their head and studying them.
of course, they have advantages, but i don't think we should be jealous.
world is unfair, of course :)

and, speak of jealousy, yes, may be i'm jealous you've got tickets in first row (^_^), but that's pure luck + your efforts too, i have to admit.
at other hand, you should feel lucky you're American, so you can get working visa easily. For Russians it's different.
And, Russians can't get visa in America so easily. I was refused visa to America last month, though i was going to go there just for few days.
I don't blame you, of course. Visa versa, I'm really respecting you.
You left your family and went to Japan to fulfill your dream (well, kind of same as me).
not everyone would do it.

but, for example, if you weren't born in America and were from some poor country - may be, you could'nt do even this, coming in Japan for work.
so, you're lucky too, in this way.
you're lucky to born smart girl.
you're lucky to be a person who won't give up.

so, let people envy you ^_^
Chiaki: not a bomb seriouslychiaki777 on June 29th, 2006 07:45 am (UTC)
We're all human, I get jealous too, it's what you do about it that makes you a good or bad person. Having it means nothing.

and think about it like this. A lot of people are jealous of how you get to even live in Japan.

People are jealous of me holding two passports for being born of direct Japanese decent on American soil. It's all fine and dandy, and you may feel like you want better, but people below you yearn for the same as well as those you wish to be.

Personally I'm envious of Hirai Ken, someone whom I share the same last name with, and yet is so much cooler than any other Hirai I have EVER met.
i am a lonely bucket ~:"(emcyclopedia on June 29th, 2006 08:57 am (UTC)

This world is not fair, but we can only deal with what we have currently. And your efforts are recognized, often accopanied by rewards. Although there might be rewards, there is also an equal trade for it. And sometimes, people are lucky enough to just get a head start in the whole... big race.

I think your positive thoughts are what people really need to hang onto. :D Because that is what drives you to do better... yet some people are bitter about the world... too busy being bitter and let all the chances slide past them like the wind.

Ganbatte. ♥
I hope it made sense. It's quite early in the morning here. ;P
Freytsuki_fru on June 29th, 2006 09:28 am (UTC)
*hugs* Jealousy is one of those human nature things, so it is alright to feel it at times.

Though, i must admit i'm actually glad you were born where you were because it was that path which allowed me to meet you. If you were born all the way over there in Japan i somehow doubt it would have been... Heh, i guess i'm trying to say that i'm glad things are the way they are because i got the chance to meet you. It really is something i treasure.
xiyu: saitoxiyu on June 29th, 2006 10:09 am (UTC)
well... everyone feels jealous at times. but i think if you WERE born in japan, lived in japan all your life, and holds a japanese passport, you might not feel the same way as you do now. i mean, you might end up as one of those japanese that you talked about, who doesn't realise the privilege they have, cos if you really grow up in japan, you probably wouldn't feel that knowing japanese is something... i dunno.. special? yup. but now, you are not born in japan and everything, but you love everything about it, and aims to speak jap properly and everything, so, its like, you have a dream, ne? and you work hard for it! and when you finally attain it [which i'm sure you will], you'll feel the sense of satisfaction that you probably would never feel if you were born japanese.

XDD i've crapped alot! *dies* and i think i'm incoherent. <--not in a very stable mental state now due to severe lack of sleep. anyway, ganbatte!

and who says that you're not pretty?
dream_raine: daijoubudream_raine on June 29th, 2006 11:52 am (UTC)
I do understand your feelings...but people like anna and olivia...we don't see it, but they worked really hard too...like..sure they may have a good start but then they still have to work very hard to prove their worth and get alot of critisism when they were young ...I dunno...it's no point being jealous for long...because it shifts your focus from your own wonderful destiny...and I really think that you have one!
美夢: Jam *_*_miyuchan_ on June 29th, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC)
wow these days are "reflections days" ne?
Well, there is something bad tho..
You do know that half people get the same discrimination of gaijin sometimes in japan? Especially the ones that look less japanese..
Usually their school years were bad because while people would never ijime you that are a full gaijin in a school enviroment, the classmates of an "halfs" won't be always nice with them.
That might be even more frustrating, imaging an half that speaks fluently japense and english and see herself/himself not being able to get normal jobs or enter in some clubs because they want full japanese people.
There is the backside to every situation.
Jealoucy is something I understand fully, however being jealous of what you can never become is useless.
Find something you really want and put all your efforts in that, it's better in this way, you will never be "half" but japanese knowledge is learnable, japanese language is learnable, even if you are finding difficulties with it, everyday you learn something new that you won't forget, little by little you'll get fluent,I'm sure.
uncreativemeuncreativeme on June 29th, 2006 01:18 pm (UTC)
Learning japanese is so hard. Its really nice to know that someone else believes that anyperson can do anything. It seems to me like everyone keeps talking about how its a cliche or a lie. I hate it when people say that because it seems like its an excuse to not even try to acheive their dreams/goals/whatever. So anyhow, you seem like someone who is trying to acheive her dreams. I think that's really cool.
Mew: Atobe - believegokumew2 on June 29th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean. I really wish I were Japanese at times and really do think I'll be teaching my kids Japanese so they'd be able to appreciate anime and everything more.

But when you look on the other hand, these people are born with it. When you make the extra effort to learn what they're born with, I think there's a little more satisfaction and you can earn more respect.

Keep it up, Hi chan!! I really believe you can do it. .^_^
Issho ni ganbarimashou~
C L O V E R: Dong Bang Shin Ki :: Maxidyllica on June 29th, 2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
Oh. I know jealousy is a bad thing but I do get jealous sometimes. I mean, I somewhat decently fluent in Vietnamese, English and Spanish. I really wish that I had some stuff that many other kids had when I didn't.
But I do agree, life is never fair but what can we do?