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03 November 2002 @ 02:48 pm
*siiiigh* Oh, I haven't written in here in days... and as I sat down here to go through all of my friend's posts, I realized something.. I've never really sat down here and talked about my feelings.. I mean my deep down, soulfelt ones... maybe it's because I am afraid that people won't like me if they find out what I'm really like, or maybe because if I do that, then I would have to face my own feelings... ^_^;; I don't like that.

When people look at me, I wonder what they think.. it's times like this that I think a mindreading ability would come in handy.. but that would probably mess things up.. I think that hearing what other people are thinking would shatter my perfect little world.. *pop pop* there goes the bubble.... -_-
Yes, I live in my own little world.. it's probably one of my major flaws from most people's point of view, but honestly, I don't think that I could live outside of it. I think that anything is possible, that fairies exist, that there are aliens in the skies, unicorns hidden in the forest, and the existence of real magic. Sometimes the "real" world is a little harsh on people that think like that.. but really, what is the harm? So I believe in things that the mass majority of population doesn't. Is it such a bad thing to think that the world is more than it appears to be? It doesn't make me a little kid or make my intelligence lower. It just makes life more fun to live.. someday I'd like to see real magic in action, or maybe even learn it myself.. I think that it would be an eye-opening experience.. but who knows, I may never get the opportunity, or I just might.. I want to make as much as I can out of the experience of living.. I don't really know what happens in the afterlife, so this could be the one chance that I'll ever get.

*sigh* I don't think that I am a social person. I force myself to get out and talk to new people, because meeting new people is very interesting and fun.. but deep down, I just want to clam up in front of people, to blush and hide in the corner.. sometimes this comes through, but I am trying harder and harder to shove it so deep down in me that it never surfaces.. I don't want to be so shy that I miss out on things, like I used to be when I was little... but even when I get into a group where I don't know people all that well, and start talking, those feelings are always nagging at the back of my head, that I should just run away from it all... it's really hard to change myself like that.. I wonder if this strain on my nature is hurting me in some way.. I don't want to be shy any more, but sometimes it takes such a strain on myself.. being with my friends is easy, but other social events can be quite tiring. I know that I am brash sometimes, but it's almost like a defensive mechanism, a part of my personality that only shows when the shy part of my personality is threatening to show itself again... -_- only I probably know what I'm talking about, but that's okay... this is my therapy, nonetheless..

Ultimately, I would like to say that I never hate anybody.... but I'm so emotional, and even quite a bit selfish, that no matter what I do, I can't seem to avoid it. I don't want to be selfish, but no matter what I do, it's always there.. -_-;; I try so hard, because selfish is not how I want to be.. I think that hating people has something to do with this. I like most of the people that I meet, but there are those that just strike me the wrong way, you know? Erica from school is one of the only people that have pissed me off like this... Why? I don't know..... Yes, she is rude and one of those people that thinks she knows everything but doesn't, and she hates me... but why do I hate her? I honestly can't say.... it's just my emotions... There's really only one other person that I've hated like that, and that was a girl named Erica ___ back home.. she was just like the girl at my school now, and an artist to boot... something about her just rubbed me the wrong way, I guess... because I still hate her....oes it make me a bad person that I hate someone? I think so sometimes, but no matter what I do, I can't feel anything but loathing and maybe pity for this person... I would like to be able to find something good in everyone, but I guess it's just something that I cannot do.

..moving on.. if I asked myself if I am happy, I would have to say yes. Not every part of me is happy, but overall, I really am happy. I may not like the climate that I live in, but I love the people that I've met here. I've made some great friends, and kept contact with many others. Friends really are the light of my life. I hold them in the highest regard, though I may not always express this to them.. I'm not as good at expressing my feelings as I wish that I was.. but I want all of my friends to know that they mean more to me than anything in the entire world. This goes for the friends I know both in real life and the ones that I've never even met, spread out across the world.. To Rachel - I'm so glad that you're still my friend after all these years. How we've made it through, I don't know, but I am so glad that we did. Without you, I surely would have broken down at some point in time or other. I'm so glad that I've had you to help me through it all, and you're never getting rid of me anytime soon. Ron - You may not always be the perfect boyfriend, or even be receptive to what I need, but that's okay. I can't expect you to be perfect, and I just want you to be you. I know I don't always express it correctly, but you mean the world to me and I love you very deeply. Lauren - You've made a huuuuuge difference in my life here. I could never regret my decision to move here to Phoenix because of you.. we connect in soo many ways that it's not even funny, and I hope that I've found a friend that I can be with forever. Brenda - Sometimes I still feel like I don't know you as well as I would like to, but I love being around you.. having you around is like having a breath of fresh air, I always have someone that I can talk to, or that I can just hang out with.. I hope that we too can stay friends forever. Heidi - I wish that we had the time to talk together more often, but I know that you'll always be there for me. You're one of the most receptive and sensitive friends that I have, and I hope that we'll stay friends forever. We have soooo many interests in common that it's not even funny. Karen - Wow, this is one that I don't know how to write.. we are like an internet success story, ne? I am soo glad that I went through with the plans to meet you, because I've found one of the best friends that I will ever have in my life. I miss you soo much!! The only reason that I would ever move back to the Tri-cities is to be near you.. rest assured that I won't be letting you get away anytime soon!! Talon - I don't talk to you as much as I used to, but you mean more to me than you probably know.. I've known you through e-mail, aim, snail-mail letters, and such for soo many years that I don't think it matters that I've never met you. You've been there for everything and were always willing to talk and to listen, no matter what. I hope that we can meet someday soon, if nothing else so that I can give you a gigantic hug and say "it's about time." To everyone that I haven't mentioned - There's so many more people that I want to thank here.. please consider yourself among them. I love all of my friends dearly, and there's nothing that will ever change that. You all mean the world to me.

There is so much that I want to say to all of my friends, but I think that this would go on for pages if I wrote it all... so I will have to stop here... it's actually made me a little bit tired... I wish that I had some money, I would get out of here for a little while.. perhaps I will use those movie money tickets that I won from school.. that would make for a nice afternoon. =) Until then, here's a survey.. I really wanted to write more in here, but my mind is so muddled.. I'll put it to rest by working on some homework and some anime. ^^

Which member of the juunishi are you?

ROFLOL!! Momiji and Kisa!! How kawaii!! ^_^ I guess they really are the most like me in Furuba. ^^

1. Full Name- Jamie Lynn Lano
2. Nicknames- Hinoai, Hi-chan, Baka, Baka-chan, Darky, Jam
3. Where do you live? Icky-poo Arizona
4. Birthdate- August 5th
5. Astrological sign- Leo *rrowr*
6. School- Art Institute of Phoenix :P
7. Hobbies- Reading, drawing, writing, anime, manga, rpg, the occasional video game
8. Sports that you play/enjoy- hmmm... I like Volleyball with friends, swimming, too... but nothing competitive.
9. Height- 5'11"
10. Weight- 155
11. Shoe size- 10 1/2
12. Right or lefty- Lefty! *very proud of it too*

*What ..*
1. What do you think of the way you look? There are things that I would change, of course, but I think I look alright..
2. What do you think about your attitude? I'm an optomist. and I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. What do you think about life after death? sure, it would be nice, but who knows if that's what happens or not? ^^
4. What do you think about karma? Tastes like chicken
5. What do you think about love? lol, this depends on my mood at the moment ^^ I like romantic love
6. What do you think about fate? To be honest, I don't know. I don't like the idea that we're destined for one thing, with no way to change the outcome.
7. What do you think about your self? I never know..I think I have multiple personality disorder.. sometimes I like myself, sometimes I hate myself.
8. What do you tell yourself if times get hard? If I can't tune it out, then I just tell myself that it's not the end of the world.
9. What would you give your life for? My friends. Or for something that I really really felt strongly about.
10. What do you think about your first love? I don't know who my first love was... I used to be able to say +insert name+ was my first love, but I don't know if the feelings were really love or not.. I don't think that real love ever fades like that.
11. What do you think about the first person that loved you? I don't know if he ever really loved me, though he says that he did. I personally want nothing to do with him.
12. What are you scared of? ANTS!!! Wahhhhh, ants!! My big phobia is definitely ants.
13. What was the saddest moment of your life so far? Umm, I would have to say that it's when I was dumped the first time... At the time, it was such a big shock and completely killed my self confidence. It means nothing to me now, but it was devastating at the time.
14. What would life be without friends? Lonely.. I would have to make some
15. Without family? I don't know.. probably kind of sad.

*The Dream Side of You*
1. Do you dream a lot at night? Every night pretty much
2. Do you dream in black and white or color? color of some sort or other
3. Do you remember any of your dreams? Not as often as I'd like to... sometimes I write them down, though ^^
4. Where is your dream make out spot? In a secluded spot in the rainforest, under a canopy of leaves while the rain falls around us.. oh, and there are no bugs, because of course, this is my dream spot. ^^
5. What is your dream kiss like? Soft, sweet, and searching.
6. What is your dream job? To create my own anime series that become world famous.
7. Where is your dream house? On the beach.. the nice beaches, like the ones in hawaii or Florida.
8. Where is your dream vacation? To the bahamas!!!!!!!! I want to go to the bahamas!
9. Do you believe that your dreams are a gateway to your soul? In a sense. They're born of my inner thoughts, at least..

1. Parents names- Joanne and Steve
2. Do you live with both of them? nope, neither.. they're up in Washington while I'm stuck in hell... oops, I mean Phoenix
3. Any siblings? A younger sister and brother, and an older half sister that I don't know all that well.
4. Do you get along with your siblings? when I'm not around them, sure ^^
5. Do you get along with your parents? when I'm not around them, sure ^^ :P

*Do you...*
1. Do you write in a journal or diary? Just this one
3. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe there can be an attraction at first sight, and lust at first sight.. but love only comes throuhg knowing the other person.
4. Do you believe that every person has one soul mate? yes
5. The Traditional god? NO, sorry but NO. I believe there are powers/beings higher than us, but I don't believe in the Christian God. Nobody would be "perfect" yet require that you worship him. sorry
6. Do you believe in everyone (even the beyond helpless)? I'm not sure I understand the question right, but I believe that everyone can do anything that they put their heart to.
7. Do you believe in having a good education? Of course
8. Do you believe in horoscopes? I try not to.. I used to find them too accurate so I usually don't read them anymore. . ^^;;
9. Do you believe in yourself? Most of the time
10. Do you shower daily? more or less. :P
11. Do you like this survey so far? it's like a lot of others I've taken
12. Do you like the person that sent you this/posted this? Of course!
13. Do you cry easily? yes... too easily
14. Do you believe in Heaven? not in the Christian sense.
15. Do you believe in hell? same thing
16. Do you believe in reincarnation? yes

1. Favorite day of the week- Saturday! Because it's the weekend!! ^^
2. Favorite ice-cream- CHOCOLATE!!!
3. Favorite movies- Ever After, Josie and the Pussycats, Charlie's Angels, the Blair Witch Project, Coyote Ugly, Harry Potter
4. Favorite actors- hmmm.. What's-his-name from Bring it On and Swim Fan.
5. Favorite actresses- Drew Barrymore!!!! and Angelina Jolie!
6. Favorite quote- "I was the turkey all along!! Me!!!"
7. Favorite song(s)- Simple and Clean by Utada Hikaru, Another World by Gackt, Stay Away by L'Arc~en~ciel, and a bunch others
8. Favorite music group- Savage Garden
9. Favorite music singers- Shania Twain
10. Favorite holiday- Halloween and Christmas
11. Favorite season- Spring! I love how it's pleasantly warm, with all of the flowers blooming.. I love spring in the cascades, especially.
12. Favorite colors- Aquamarine blue and maroon red.
13. Favorite flowers- Lilacs!
14. Favorite book- The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne.
15. Favorite school subject- Art or Math I guess

*When you hear ___ you think of..*
1. Baseball- EWWWWWWWWW
2. Jeff- Pohjola, a classmate and radio dj from back home
3. Dog- how cuuuute!! I want one!
4. Warm apple pie- mmmmmmmmmmm
5. Socks- floofy!
6. Fish- SUSHI!!! Oh, I love Sushi!!!
7. Nail- etto...
8. Amanda- Ahh!! Lauren's friend Amanda!
9. Swimming- Waii!!!
10. Bologna- how much fun it is to say this word
11. Giant Eagle- Dollars and flags
13. The number 69- sex! Woo!
14. School- better than work

*Creative Q's*
1. If you had the choice to spin around the sun, or walk on the moon, which would you choose and why? Walk on the moon.. the sun is too hot and bright.
2. What color do you think best describes you and why? Aquamarine Blue. Because I can be bright and happy but have an undercurrent that can be contemplative or depressing.
3. If you could be doing anything right now, what would you be doing? Eating Ice cream out of Sakuma Ryuichi's lap.. hey, you said anything!! I don't know..
4. Would you ever share your heart completely with someone else? Yes, if they wanted me to and I trusted them.
5. Which sense could you not live without, and why? Sight. I want sight above everything.
6. Have you ever written on a mirror? yeah
7. If you could change one thing you did in the last 24 hours, what would it be and why? Homework! I needed to work on homework... I should be doing that right now!
8. Do you prefer sleeping outside beneath the night sky, or your cozy bed? I would prefer outside if it wasn't for the bugs.
9. What is the most beautiful thing in the world? I don't know.. maybe water.... water in the sun is beautiful.
10. Name one person whose changed your life for the better- I can't name just one person.
11. What can someone do to you that would turn you on fully - Kiss me and back it with real emotions.
13. What is one thing that can make you smile no matter what mood you're in? A hug.
14. If you could meet anyone, past or present, dead or alive, who would you meet and why? I don't know... maybe my friend Sara Ochs... I haven't seen her in years and I'm so curious!!
15. What makes you you? Me.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Stay Away - L'Arc~en~ciel
takuto_neko on November 3rd, 2002 03:21 pm (UTC)
WHHHHAAAAAA!!!! I'm going to cry now. That at least makes me feel better today. Ohhh...I have been in such emotional turmoil lately. It helps...
Hi-chan (火ちゃん): Kamuihinoai on November 3rd, 2002 03:43 pm (UTC)
*huggles Brenda-chan*
Elvy: Yuki - elegancesoundsoft_elvy on November 3rd, 2002 07:32 pm (UTC)
It's been really an eye-opener for me since I've graduated High School. I've found a complete inner connection with close friends of mine, and I rely on them a lot. I don't know what it was, but we met and connected in an instant. It was sublime fate that I was finally able to make friends with a female at my school. I thought I was doomed to stay in an all-boy group until I graduated.
Meeting all of your friends, and especially being able to hang out with the group on Halloween night was what I wanted out of life. To have fun, to experience that connectivness that I felt I have lost since the issue with Greg from so long ago. The other 'possibility' that's now come along that I hope goes further in a positive direction.

Don't worry about the Erica thing. Remember me and my issues with the other Lauren's? For some reason they all hate me? Yea...I know how that goes. You don't know why, but something just doesn't rub you the right way. Or with my other karma signal that every guy with a first name that starts with the letter 'G' will screw me over in some way, shape, or form. I've now decided to put more faith in guys after being with my friends like Dameon and Forest, but I want to put even more faith in 'him' because I feel like this is the lesson I'm supposed to learn in life now. I just hope I'm not being crazy thinking all of this. I have a very fragile ego. ROFLOL!!

In any case, it's great that you've written more on your feelings. To friendship...and the many experiences more that we'll have in the future! ^_^